Speak Up Christian Sisters! Talk About Your Sexual Expectations Before Marriage
Dear Single Christian Sisters, It is becoming all too common a knowledge that a chunk of Married Christian Women are struggling in their bedrooms regarding the 'Enoughness' of the sex from their husbands. Many are crying silently and hoping they can get help, or at least let others know not to repeat their mistakes. The reasons for this situation maybe more than I can list, but today I want to talk about just one of them. I want to talk about that one big thing, many Spirit Filled, Tongue Speaking, Demon Casting, Ghost Busting, Flamethrowing, Thunder Conjuring Christian sisters don't address while 'Tweeing Mpenaa.' The Overt Communication Of Sexual Expectations.
Before I start, let me state for emphasis that the Lord Approves of you and your desires as a woman. Once the chest area starts changing and certain cycles begin to ensue in your body, those feelings, desires and, hopefully, the expectations will follow. Those desires were put there by Your maker for His Glory. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. As a married woman, whatever happens in your bedroom, for as long as you don't feel humiliated by it (and the spirit does not convict you otherwise - The Spirit, not your socialization; though I must admit without strong discernment you may confuse the two) should be enjoyed with thanksgiving. Feel free to break the bed...and if it gives you any comfort, wake your neighbours up with sweet moaning unto the Lord. These are moments where words cannot express our soul's cry. So groan in pleasure and in sounds words cannot express. Marriage and the intimacy in it is beautiful. Selah.
As a Born Again Christian, I entreat you to walk holy so you do not bring the body of Christ into disrepute. But when you start a relationship, have honest conversations about your sexual expectations with your beloved. People do not have sex in biology class simply because they talked about reproductive health, do they? Nope? Good. Basically my point is, you can have a fair and honest conversation about your sexual expectations (devoid of direct or subtle messages intended to turn the other person on) without having sex to illustrate it. So your argument that having that conversation leads to sex is a bit redundant.
You can start by having those conversations after church service at the church premises and everyone going home in different directions. At least that prevents the spilling over of built up tension. How about that? Overly Simplistic? I agree. I know it is tough. But let's face it, if you don't want to have sex, You will not have sex. People have sex while worship songs are playing in the background; and they are not married. Let's not kid ourselves; young people in the body of Christ are having sex with or without this conversation. So separate your lack of self control from this key conversation on your sexual expectations in marriage, and by all means, talk about it.
If you are not sexually intimate with your partner, bless you, continue reading. This is a conversation no one can have for you. It is a conversation no counselor or pastor can have for you. Talk about it and be mature, honest and straight about it. Do not leave it to chance. It is going to be an integral part of this Forever Contract. Enter it carefully after interrogating all the clauses.
The Lord knows some of you have thoughts bordering on fetishism. But you act all holy thereby attracting equally holy, innocent and sold-out brothers. That is fine. But when they come to you, and the relationship gets intense and you know this is it...this is the one, you shouldn't keep pretend you are ok with who they are, as they are. These are brothers who can fast 15 times in a year, 7 days each, each out of town in some signal-less forest. Imagine.
Meanwhile, in your mind, you have imagined sex to happen every night, yet this knowledge is completely missing from the brother's larger scheme of things. In your mind you are looking forward to a T-Rex of a dinosaur; carnivorous, wild and aggressive. But your outer demeanor only attracts Herbivores, and you watch them parade themselves as grass eaters because you fear what they will say when you let them into your little secrets.
Naughty Phoebe... Naughty Phoebe,
If you like Flesh eaters but pretend you are ok with grass eaters, wetin you gain? No bi you go suffer night time? Now you marry and blame these poor men who thought you were ok with their overly ministry mindedness. These men who saw in you women who understand; women who can cope and keep up appearance, suffering in the name of the Lord for God, Country and bedroom la. If you don't let him understand that once a month sex is comparable to Death Sentence, he will give it to you at that rate and use you as a subject in his sermon titled, 'The Marks Of a Virtuous Woman'. Point Number 5. Once A Month Sex. Sister, your silence will make other women suffer needlessly. He will assume you understand the 5 times in a week prayer vigils and fastings....and his straight up Satan-get-behind-me voice when you make a move...or get the You-Can't-bring-your-carnal-things-here-when-I-am-in-the-Holy-of-Holies look. Meanwhile too, when Jesus died the Curtains were torn asunder and the Holy Of Holies abolised ooh. But see you getting denied in the name of Holiness.
Sister, what do you want to see in your bedroom? Talk about it. Do not let your personal desires in the bedroom be defined by culture. You see, in the days of your grandparents and those that came before them, sex was as-you-got. Your grandmother, unless she had been around before marrying your grand father, or had 'turned herself' small with Agya Koo, never knew any man aside your grand father. So without any basis for comparison, and an outlet to have these conversations, she settled for what she got. Good, bad, ugly.
I wish we were in those days. But we are not and times have changed. You will hear wild things from friends, and colleagues. Even your siblings will tell you stuff, if you are close. You will see wild things on the internet, and probably imagine wild things. From the pulpit, wild illustrations will come, and authors like me will put it out in your face saaaa till you choke on it. Eiiii! Good sex as a married person is sweet la! We will talk and you will hear, and judge if what you are getting is good or bad.
So do not act naive, when you are entering, and make demands after you have entered. Let the buyer be ware. Negotiate for the best terms, be honest and fair in your expectations. Some of you were Pro before the Lord touched you. You can't unlearn that knowledge, so let it guide you into who you settle with. If where you have been was explosive, little thuds will be hard to accept. It is human. And God help you, if the Spirit has not entered you well well, you will let the choir master stir the shito from time to time, to your guilt and pleasure at the same time. Serious matter ooh; don't laugh.
Be on the same page with him, so that if for any reason he feels you are not the one for him, he can move on. There is nothing frustrating in marriage like an unsatisfactory sexual experience. This is not about stamina or size or style. The Lord knows I am not telling you to go have sex to try. This is about desires and frequency - two things Premarital sex may not reveal. It is one thing when you are having sex every chance you get, and another thing when you intrinsically appreciate the fact that sex is key to your marriage on so many levels that you need to ensure that as much as you can, you are keeping that fire alive. That is a commitment and decision to make. Premarital sex does not guarantee that; honest conversations and commitment will ensure that.
Unfortunately, Most often, the conversation is on stamina and size and many young men are dying because they need to take stuff to meet the demand. Many young women are throwing themselves and dignity to pigs because they are looking for that ultimate stamina and size. My dear sister, he can be a perfect size and have the right stamina; but I am telling you, Vigoura, Mr Q and Chinese Herbs nkoaaa! Tweaaa! Nothing! Three years after marriage, kojo to! Dead la! Either he dies of heart attack, or the Kwame Appiah dies. I am serious. Don't laugh, child.
But seriously, what is size and stamina when the brother is never home, or always in the spirit, or always fasting... Or when he thinks sex is only missionary, under blanket with the lights off and in the night? Wetin you gain when you can't talk or express your feelings during the act, or make noise (Lord the sweet noise) because they are an abomination to him, not because he saw it in the Bible, but because our culture has conditioned him to think so? Auntie, wo bebre rough! Frustrations paa nie! Stamina and size will even be all too painful when you have to stand him for 15 minutes without a sound. Gosh, that is a whole new level of Creepiness.
Sex is beautiful. It is to be enjoyed. No woman should have to beg for it..be starved of it....of course unless it is soooo good and soo available so you want more by the hour...then by all means take a pause before you kill someone's son!!!! Don't coman kee him oooh. He said he is a flesh eater...T Rex Papabi.... not a bone chewer. Isokay, Gabriel Hailsellassie! Easy on the poor lad.
But Talk about it. Do not make it a carnal, sensual and explicit conversation. Discuss it; your hopes, fears, expectations, dreams. Let him come into your bubbles and see if he will float with you in your hot air balloon. If he is not up to it, you will know. Or he will walk away, most likely. Or he will lie (which becomes a different story all together; a good basis for annulment if you ask me) As two grown adults with feelings, talking as lovers, he is bound to have an erection, and you...you...stop looking at me with those eyes, you know what I am talking about. Okay I won't say. But it shows you are both healthy. I am not talking to any audience but believers, and our faith expects that we keep ourselves holy until marriage. Therefore you are expected to exercise self control in the midst of these discussions.
Pray for God to help you, and guide you. Do not find your self after 9pm by the beach, discussing sex, and then coman blame Satan, who is dealing with a riot in hell as I type, for letting you stumble and accidentally falling over an erect object...which did not enter any part of your body except that single place designed for it to enter after marriage.
Be wise, but be honest. It is important that you do not create the wrong impressions for the brother. Do not have two face; public holiness and private fetishism. A double minded person receives nothing of the Lord. The Lord will bless you with the husband that meets your public demeanor, but your private suffering as a result of the false facade will be your own doing, and no amount of counseling or prayer will fix it.
This is a difficult conversation to have with you holier than thou girls, so pardon me for my wanton drama and humour. I had to make it easy for me and you. So I am not a comedian...I am trying to make you swallow a tough pill.
Your Big Bro, from Tadi
And the Brothers too.... you who pretend you are the Personal Drivers of the Holy Spirit, always praying and acting holy, but you are sexual pervasion on two legs, waiting to happen no, the Lord is soaking your cane in Kerosine. Your pretend saaa, then when you marry p3 bam! You start tormenting God's children with sex as breakfast, snack, lunch, snacks, dinner, snack and the thing for flossing no. That is like walking into a booby trap. The Master did not die for this.