How To Handle A Probing Partner
We say some people are dexterous at turning anthills into towering mountains. To a good extent, this may be true, however, it is also true that how we respond to such people can be the actual catalyst that leads them on that path.
We tend to get personal when we are required to open up to our partners, especially when it is at their behest. People use expressions like, 'he is interrogating me', or, 'she is sounding distrustful' when their partners probe and seek clarifications for things they may be interested in. Sometimes, there is that feeling of invasion of privacy or an attack on one's right to personal choices.
Much as we may have our own personal spaces we feel the need to protect, sometimes we read too much meanings into our spouses' approach to us. It is a state of mind, in most instances. If you fear a dog will bite you, even when it yawns you feel agitated. When a dog you know is harmless growls, you pay no heed. It is perception. Sometime we assume our partners are out to get us with their never ending probes, therefore get unnecessarily defensive and agitated at their questions and inquiries.
How do you handle this man or woman who wants to know everything? Let us consider a few of the ways to handle them from our end of the relationship. Let me say that, this approach will have nothing to do with your partner or a Third Party such as a counselor. This approach is solely on you. There are other approaches you can try, or try together with this approach.
Your Partner Is Not Out To Get You
We should learn to trust that our partners are not out to get us. I doubt if all of your partner's questions are meant to pin you down. If you feel otherwise, then what happened? How did you two get to this point of such gross mistrust? If that is how your partner has always been (always probing and suspicious of you), then why are you with them, or why did you end up with them? Why spend your life with an interrogator on a journey meant to be fun? It is either you have a history which makes your partner naturally question your motives and actions, or the person has a problem from their own past. However, always treat them as people are are genuinely curious.
Be open so your partner can trust you without much effort. Be responsive and forthcoming with information on issues they seek clarifications on. No one backs down when a question or an inquiry is avoided or evaded. They may not press much but in their hearts and minds are battles that will leave them worn out, irritable and unnecessarily suspicious. When they probe, throw the curtains open for them to see, there is nothing in the shadows.
If You Love Them, Secure Their Hearts
To you, it is their own cup of tea. Well, a happy and secure partner is a happy you. It takes a few minutes to indulge your partner to make them feel at ease, whereas it can take months to clear up suspicion once it takes root. Spend less time and energy building trust and emotional security, rather than spending your entire lifetime, clearing the debris off a shattered trust.
Your Partner Is Not Stupid; Do Not Make Them Feel Like They Are
Do not assume your Partner's probes, questions and inquiries are stupid, petty and ridiculous; do not let them feel they are not smart by wanting to know. That is a polished up insult. When you find yourself in their shoes, you will realise questions and inquiries can be emotionally, rather than logically, generated. Have that at the back of your mind when they probe. When people are emotionally connected with you, most of their actions are generated at the emotional level; do not expect much logic in their actions.
Indulging Your Partner Is Good For You In The Long Term
When you indulge your partner, you set a good precedence for the home/relationship which becomes a moral code they are expected to live by. If you calmly and lovingly respond to their needs and probes, you put them in a place where they are morally obligated to return that gesture.
You Risk Breaking Down Communication If You Keep Withholding Information
Communication suffer in homes, when one partner decides to hijack the communication process; what is deemed necessary to talk about, how it is talked about and when it is talked about and everything that surrounds the process. In the end, the other partner decides it is not worth trying to communicate at all. They come to this decision when they always get discouraging feedback like silence, avoidance, cheeky response, 'yes-or-no' answers, or the questioning of the legitimacy of the interest in that issue.
Many married couples and those in dedicated relationships have found companionship in friends and other people of the opposite sex who fill in the roles of their partners as far as companionship and basic attention is concerned. Much as this is wrong, this reality is a natural consequence of their negative marital and love experiences.
For a lot of people this is no big deal until they realize their spouses are completely tuned off. They may not be tuned off in the end only in the area of communication, but in other areas such as fidelity, affection, trust and respect.
Open up, let your partner feel at ease, if you feel their probes have sinister intentions, talk about it or seek help. Click here to talk to us if you need help