The Art Of Dumping: It Is Not You, It Is Me

Have you ever been given the famed line, " Bae, it is not you, it is me"? Have you had to walk out of a relationship you love and cherish so much, and part with someone you literally can't live without, because they said to you they needed to discover themselves and be a better person? Then, my dear friend, you were dumped.

Many things can trigger someone to dump a lover. From abuse, differences in opinion, infidelity to distance. Usually, when you have a strong reason to let go of someone, it becomes easier to do it. From Text Messages to phone calls, people are dumping and getting dumped. Some folks are more creative than others. These creative ones take you out, spend on you, give you all the casual totally unrelated conversation, and dump your sorry behind just in time before the clock chimes midnight...right in front of your doorstep, baby, right there, by the door. At least if you pass out, it won't be too far from home.

The struggle, however, comes in when there is no strong reason to dump someone, but you want them out of the way, anyway. Yea, I let the clue out - you want them out of the way. So on a normal day, these about-to-be-dumpeds are perfectly fine. They look great; they make a good conversational partner, they buy you just the right gifts. Even Granny likes them. So you see why you just can't up and dump them? But they are standing in the way! They are in the way to something bigger, better, far rewarding than anything they can bring to the table in this life and the next.

He is a great guy, has a great sense of humour, and his family? Omg, they totally adore you. But this other guy has a Range Rover, has his own place, 3rd Gen Family money, a successful lawyer, he goes to church; he even has a pet name for you. Who even calls a 21st Century girl like you NAWOMI? Ugh! He has known you for a few days, and he already calls you MiMi! Gosh, somebody hold you! You can't sleep at night. Thoughts of him get you like mmmmmhhhh. And just when you are welling up and feeling like tipping over, John Calls you. Blehhh. Same Drab conversations. Naa, you need a move.

She is great; you have been great together forever. She has been there, seen you through your valley moments. But the spark is gone, your umph feeling for her is no more. Then Bam! This woman said Hi, and you so want to be with her like yesterday. Now what do we do with Regina…the ever faithful and reliable Regina? She is steady, head screwed on well, basic and Lateral. But you want more than Steady; you want Japan, its mountains, its quakes, and the whole mystery and the new experience.

But then there is no reason to go. There is no reason to dump this person you have been through thick and thin with. So what do you do? How do you go about it without offending the person or framing them up, so they look bad? Mind you; these Dumpers do not want to falsely accuse their victims so they walk around blaming themselves. No. They are nice people looking for an escape. The foolish ones will give drama and walk out. Professional Dumpers don't. They don't give drama; they give a whole Universal Studio in collaboration with DC Comic, Lionsgate, And Relativity Media Feature Film. Yup! They assume responsibility and give their victims a category five dump. How creative!

You will find one of these lines appearing in the dumping proceedings:

  • It is not you; it is me. You are perfectly fine; I need to work on me

  • It is Not you; I have to discover myself.

  • I feel lost and locked up in myself. I need sometime to figure my life out

  • It hurt me to let you go, but it is good for us. I am not good for you. You deserve a better person

  • Whoever marries you is a lucky person, but I have to let you go, honestly.

  • I wish I can be with you forever, but I fear I am not good enough for you. It is not what you have said...that is what I know

And they do it looking and sounding sad, gosh, even dishevelled. They sound so sad, a couple of people who were dumped in this manner went looking for counsellors for their partners! hahahahah, Guurrrlll! Dude Just dumped you. He is perfectly sane and in complete possession of his faculties.He is lucid and well oriented in time and space, hun. He so knows what he is doing…which in this very instance, is dumping you.

But there is a trick here. They have to look sad, so you can't blame them. Maybe you can blame that aunt of theirs whose look you didn't like, blame that guy or lady they went out with, and accuse them of witchcraft. I mean, they leave you with your blame game all-time high. Keep blaming! Some will lie, cry, intentionally lose weight. Bruh, it must look real, seen? That lends some credence to the whole charade. You will believe it.

The other trick is that, be executing this perfect choreography, they leave you feeling perpetually sad for them, so that any time they come back, out of pity, and knowing very well, you believe it is not their "naked eyes', they get to collect money, have sex, or confuse you out of your new relationship. Some of the guys even go on to marry, and come back every day telling you how he is not sure what happened to him, but it is you he wants to be with, blah blah Still-I-Dumped-You blah. But of course how he left does not make any sense, so out of sympathy, he sneaks into your dross, like that boss, and scuttles out afterwards into his marital hole from whence he had crawled!

But let's go back to the reasons again. Really? If you are that good and all, why are they leaving you? You have not complained that they are inadequate, have you? You love them just the way they are! So why are they all of a sudden acting all woke and naked like they just ate the apple and realised they were naked?

....Or, as it turns out to be....most often....it is after they have eaten the apple that they realise the tangerine you have been busily offering them is comparatively crappy....

Isn't it amazing that most people who gave this excuse and left, married shortly after, and took to Social Media to display shading DP and PDAs? I waited in the Master Jesus and gave me a life partner who knows my worth! Omg....did you say she was worthless? I am as shocked as you are...But hold on...you don't have a car, right? Yup, she now drives a Mercedes....therein lies her worth, bruh. Shade landed...In your face!

My Dear friend, worry no more. He is perfectly fine. She is perfectly fine in her mind, and in her heart. You were just getting in the way of something bigger and greater…OR you were forcing them to commit when the party was just about starting. They don’t want you walking around thinking you did something wrong. So they simply assume a sin and out of the sin, walk out. Ultimately, the effect is the same...the relationship ended....and since the one who walks out is the one who dumps, yup, they walked out and... you got dumped.

Here, cuppa coffee. No? Ok Ice cream? There!

Leaving On A Jet Plane - Chantel Kreviazuk
00:00 / 00:00
PG Sebastian 
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