As An African Man, Dating A Successful Woman Is Not My Thing!
I have always found the strange aversion for successful women by some African men to be a errmm... What is the word? Irrational? I am not sure that word captures by thought properly, but in the interim, we will make do with it. I find that aversion and utter fear of having anything to do with these women in the long haul, very disappointing on all levels.
The Anatomy Of Mister Phobia - Insubordination
First, let us consider certain aspects of this strange fear. There is the overbearing question of submission. The Fear of her insubordination. Dear Lord, take submission from the African man and he is reduced to dust with or without a pair and a ramrod. The fixation on that is almost like DJ and his Tweets; compulsive! The everyday African man needs it like a fish needs its ecosystem. And when it suits us, we find a religion to authenticate our putrid claims.
Oh PG, you don't know. The higher they go, the more disrespectful they become. He laments. Brother, for starters, let us face one existential reality here; every successful person has a bit of 'it' in them - it is just a question of the degree of manifestation. This 'IT' is the confidence, the certainty and the authority that ooze around them to almost cocky levels. But, I mean, think about it. How did they become successful? By either doing what most people don't have the guts to do, or being connected to sources in life most people are not connected you to. It could also be that they have risen up doing what many others tried and failed.
Whatever it is, the exhilaration of being ahead in life, whether it is materially, intellectually, socially psychologically or economically has a way of making the ordinary human feel invincible, even if it is in the dark crevices of their mind. When a person is at that level, there is something in their voice, the aura around them or the very dust under their feet that causes intimidation. I understand; it is easy to confuse YOUR INTIMIDATION for THEIR DISRESPECT.
A successful person may have something to glean from a less successful person, given the exigencies of their similar opportunities (Same country, education, career chances, similar experiences etc). However, most often, the evidence speaks for itself. Show me what you can offer me with what you have done with your life, and I will listen to you, even if it is not as much as I have done with mine. It is at this point, when you have nothing to show, that you will be expected to shut up and let the successful person talk. Really, you do not have much to show for with all the opportunities life has presented both of you. This is a general demand from both Men and Women who have succeeded.
It is easier for a successful person to open up and 'receive', without must resistance, when relating to people of similar or higher achievements. In life, most often, we 'look down' to help the less privileged and look up to be helped. So naturally a successful person wouldn't want to condescend to your level to be be accommodated in your little space. Between the successful person and the less successful person, it is the latter who may have to make allowances to fit into the former's space. To shock you a little more, this is not Gender specific.
Everything I am talking about is true both in successful women and men. Unless you are saying that only successful men have the monopoly to be rude, arrogant, cocky and proud, yet get people to suck up to them, lick their boots and kiss their..you know...the obvious place. Otherwise, if a man is capable if being all these and more when he gets 'there', then a woman can, too. It is not about them, it is the path to success that makes many turn out like that. Power has a way of changing people, whether is it economic power or social power.
The challenge for the every day African Man is having to deal with the fact that, they are at a certain place in their lives, especially in age, where instead of being in control of their environment, they are still under control, and not by people they find acceptable to control them (like another man of similar age or older), but people they do not find acceptable to do so. In this case, the woman. Oh and it is not just the women they hate to see control them, young people are that in that lot too. For the African man, authority is naturally reposed in age, even when they are broke. If I am older than you, I must be the head. And in this age where many other things enable authority, their inability to get ahead just by mere age, can be very frustrating. So to know that it is not just a little boy giving him instructions, but a woman (a mere woman), is something that can be killing.
So this fear of insubordination by the woman, because she is successful and higher up the ladder than the man, may not necessarily be a clear matter as it may seem, but a needless paranoia that most African men experience, because of the Taboo nature of that arrangement. The mere fact that this arrangement is culturally wrong on all levels, makes them look at the woman and receive from her with prejudiced hands. So instead of concentrating on WHAT is being given, we concentrate on the HOW of the WHAT. It is in this prejudice that we hear noise that really isn't there and see movements that do not really exist. We read meanings into everything. Did she call you baby? How dare her call you baby? That is a nice way of saying, you are nothing without me. Disrespectful woman!
Sexual Favours Makes A Successful Woman
Another aspect of this fear is the perception by some Africans, men and women included, that a woman in these parts, is unable to achieve much without the helping hand of a man. A Man helped her through a sexual exchange. It is a way most African men find to 'illegitimize' a woman's success and by extension, her right to be in that space and enjoy the bliss of the seat. By tying her success to the sexual relationship she has or had with a man, leading to her rise, she is seen as a dirty and filthy entity not worthy of taking home to be a wife. Thus any man who dates her, comes in with eyes wide opened and ears tuned to all frequencies. It goes beyond that to a place where where she goes, who she goes with and what comes out of it become a subject of contention.
Most men, have left successful women they were dating or married to, not because they were insubordinate. Some left because there were certain men in the lives of the women, or by the very nature of their work, there was a predisposition of the women to certain men of power that the husbands or boyfriends couldn't deal with. The struggle usually starts with suspicions, then the need to know which manifests through probing questions, sarcastic answers and needless interests. When they find out that the women are being opaque, they probe till the struggle becomes direct and overt. Most often, the women do not break, and consequently tagged disrespectful and headstrong.
Let us face one fact; not all women who are up there, got there through sex. It is a fact.
But I said not all, meaning, it is a fact also that some do get there through sex....just as it is also a well documented fact that some men also get up there through sex...and something through a more extreme sexual preferences... Yep. See how the boss man eyed that cute guy who came for the interview? Yep. So men do use sex to get their jobs too. If it was not so, how did they come up with Cougar Inc.? You think the boss lady is just nice to Mister Shreds And Abs because she sells ice cream? Dude!
So, again, we just shot down a Kamakadze fighter who nearly bombed us with the illogical assertion that only women get up there through sex. Oh, and at least it is sex. They can always ask for forgiveness from God. Do you know the number men who sell their souls to cults and enter into all forms of bondage so they can rise with lightning speed? Do you know what men actually do to rise? So talking about illegitimacy, Bruh, let's drop it. We have more in our ranks than they do. Hush!
Choboi And The Cry Of Independence!
Another fear, 'legitimate fear', many men throw around when I ask them to date rich girls they are reconnoitering around is the fear of their sense of independence. She is too independent and headstrong. Always fighting to have her voice and her way.
Ok. You are speaking from a certain cultural indoctrination. A narrative that promotes the man's views, opinions and ways over the woman's. I know that culture. Great culture. African culture. But again, it was a culture that was valid at a certain period in our lives. I mean, think about it. Your mom was unemployed and stayed home, without DIRECTLY contributing to the family money purse. Forgive me for being blunt, but even her panties were on your dad. She was literally, his FINANCIAL liability and therefore by implication was not seen as his equal. She did not have any identity tied to her name save the identity found through your father. That was then.
This is now. I mean look at you. Your income and hers are at par, or hers is probably better than yours. You are likely to live in a house that is rented for her by her firm because of her position. Her tom card is enough to help you drive that SUV you want to buy, but may not be able maintain (These are two difference levels, Bruh; acquisition and maintenance). With all the benefits of her job role, half of your bills will be taken care off. Because of her, doors will open to you and your sphere of influence and reach will widen. Now tell me you would sit back and watch her revert to your mother...Voiceless, nameless and nothing, if she was your sister or daughter, who has blossomed and achieved so much.
I mean, how does that work? The tom card will bear her name, but you own it? The house is for her or rented in her name or rented for her, but she cannot suggest which color you paint it or decor you choose? She cuts her funds and the internet can't be paid, but she cannot browse? Her job enables her to spec up your plebeian life, but she has to be home to cook, clean, wash and warm your bed? Bruh, what do you want? Do you think she got this far, by waking up in the morning and running errands in the kitchen? She paid a price to get to the top by leaving little things for little people to handle, while she took her fight to the Colosseum of Rome for the ultimate glory! You need to know that successful people, women or men, know where to put in their best efforts. Hopefully you will get there and think like her.
Oh, I don't have a problem with her making the money, I just want her to bring it to me to show her how to use it. It is the will of God. Submission means, all your substance, baby.
Bruh, I need you to read the Bible well. There is a place you may not have known. Proverbs 31, start from the 10th Verse. Thank me later. The ultimate proof of a woman who takes initiatives. And because the man trusts her, he allows her the space to be, for the ultimate glory of the family. He is not in her business asking which ship is sailing when and where and what it is carrying, He believes in her to succeed and she succeeds.
Do not confuse your need to control and your inability to do so when it comes to a successful woman, as a proof of her needless independence. You need to understand that she has come far on her own, and she will build a solid partnership with you, not because it is your right, but because you have proved yourself an able life partner who is going to the same place for the same result.
You want to enjoy her money, her body and her largesse, but hush her up on her voice and opinion? Can you remind me, where your so so tremendously so important voice and opinion has taken you to? Because if your opinion has counted, in a way that has significantly changed your life, we would not be here having this conversation of how a successful woman is hard to date. And more so, where your trepidation does not only stem from the fact that she is successful, but because she is up and above you. It is important we do not miss that point. That is your worry.
But, look at it from this way, as simplistic as it may sound, She has done all the thinking for you, done all the figuring for you, done all the trench digging for you, gone to whatever extent to get to where she is. Bruh, all you have to do is to slip in and enjoy it..of course with the applicable terms and conditions? Why do we need to have a nuclear war because she is strong headed? Elsewhere, there are men dying in marriages where they married their kind of women; low achievers and nameless, yet SUPER HEADSTRONG! Strong headed and broke! Can you imagine. Wahala nkoaa! This woman in question is strong willed and does not break easily, your key point of contention (the fact that she doesn't need your credit card to fly business class...or your input in planning holidays for all of you), but has something to show for it. Just admit that she is successful, she has a better perspective, better connections and better position in life. Let go of your pride and tag along if you want her, and let everyone have their peace. Eph. 5:21, says submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. That was before she was told to submit to you. But well, I know of Selective Vision, uurrgghh!
Do you think I am wrong? Fine. Still tag along and let's see what becomes of you ten years from now. Who knows, the Lord will bless you, she will plateau, and you will over take her. But it will all be in one big family. Do not let the Bosschickness of it, stop you from seeing the future. See the bigger picture. See a woman who can help you get your silly business idea off the ground; see a woman who can invest financially in your business. See a supporter who can help you get up on your feet. Do not let this ego get in the way. Clearly it has not done you much good. This is me smacking you hard across the face to wake you up to the opportunity right in front of you. Stop being little Bo Peep!
Drinking Deep From Exposure, Experience And Education
Ok. Enough of that. Let's consider this. You know MOST successful people have had richer life experiences than less successful people, right? Yup. Education wise, social connections, exposure, be it to the world or its humans. Do you know that you cannot interact with so much of the world and still see things through a tiny lens? Nope. Your perspective changes, your world view broadens, your thought processes become slower, but richer and far reaching, The Bible says a wise person considers his ways carefully, a fool walks on and he is hurt. Apt scripture. Wise consideration takes time, not done in a rush.
Even when an actualized and successful woman breathe, there is a less successful, insecure shallow minded man who feels insulted. That is after this woman has taken her time to consider the implications of her breathing and what it means to her and the world around her. This simple man in the scripture above, however, without a moment pause takes offense. The point I am making is that, a successful person does not think like the less successful person because their thinking, which influences their actions, are rich, well thought out and well laid out. So you blabber out anything, and you want it to be the Law of Hammurabi, but your successful woman tells you, no! To you, that is a big affront on your authority, integrity and your place as the head of the house.
You see, it maybe that the very premises upon which you built your argument was faulty; for her to keep quiet for you to carry it out would be Euthanasia. Literally. Keeping quiet means seeing the folly in your ways and watching you get knocked down in the middle of the road. So what she does, which, I understand sometimes is not in the best of ways (yea, the ego was not massaged well at the waist part, so the whole massage is wrong), is to challange your position on the subject and offer a more plausible and workable alternative to you, And it is because, her experiences in life may have opened her eyes to better ways.
After all, what is the benefit of going to Holy Child or WGHS, or LSE or Yale and the lot? What was the purpose of daddy investing so much in her? What was the drive for the midnight candle and the sleepy eyes during lectures and dedicated career path? To lose them all because she married? Because she is with you? Don't you think the purpose for all that is for her to join forces with you to achieve something super epic?
The Bible says one shall chase a thousand and two, ten thousand. Dude, a woman like that, helps you do that and more. They help you have a better reward for your labour, The Good Book continues. Oh you would rather protect your ego so you can have a liability? School fees induced HBP? Fuel needs All-night prayers? Bruh, there are things to spend your energy on, if you have a successful woman to support you, ring her and free yourself to be great again with her by your side!
Interestingly, when you step out there, in your High End car, and all the finesse of life, really, who will know who is footing the bills? And who cares when love is on fleek? But in case they know, does that shrinks your pair and reduces your batter-ram? Absofreakinglutely not! You are still the man. There is no shame, Bruh...there is none. You accept or reject what your ego allows you, starve it and grab this blessing from God. Too much ego! In another news, girls are looking for Aben ho ha! You should be stoned for profiling a successful woman who is looking your way.
When It Is Wrong For It To Be The Woman
PG, We don't have a problem with successful women ooh, it is how they flaunt it and how they make you feel, like you are a nobody. Jack, gyai ns3m hunu di! Did the master not give all the servants talents? Why fault the one who grew his? When your brother came from Germany, didn't your grand father and the lot, charter trotro to meet him at the airport? Did he not greet with his left hand? when he used a very vulgar word did you all not laugh sheepishly? What about Akwasi? When he got his bank job. I mean Akwasi Last Killa, Yes, did you know go to wash his car for him after university for a year so you could stay in his house to do your national service in Accra? How was the treatment like? How did he take things you told him? Your Wallstreet ideas. Your own little cousin ooh. 4 years older than him. Sake of small money he get, he do you pasaa! Like a NOBODY! But you endured, abi?
You have endured many things because they have come from men. See your life? So a woman is less of a human to be rich and flaunt it, aye? She is less of creation to toil, break through and celebrate herself and her blessings? If it is against the will of God for women to have more than men, why does God bless their labour? Ever asked yourself that? She is in the image of God for heavensakes. She made use of the lot given her by God.
Is It That Hard To Date A Successful Woman?
You see, you need to know how to live with a successful woman. First she is looking for someone who is bringing something to the table. Yes, we are on the same page on that. The problem is you are looking at what to bring through the lens of money. But, honestly, is that what she needs? Clearly not. She either has the money or the money is coming. So do not get sucked up in that space where your inability to provide financially gets you throwing Epic Pity Parties. If she is successful and you are not, yet she wants to be with you, or is receptive to the idea of being with you, then Bruh, there is something else she needs. That is what you fix your mind on and provide for her. First, find out what she wants in a man. Appreciation, companion, words of encouragement, intellectual stimulation, a second pair of eyes, another brain, someone to share her success with, Prayer partner, good sex, anything other than money. I mean there can be so many things she is looking out for in a man beyond money. Remember, sometimes the value of a person is not easily quantified in monetary terms; it is rather found in how their effort pushes the team to victory. I am not big on football, but I know the defender is normally not the one scoring the goals, but the striker. And I also know that the striker is not normally the one doing all the defending. Someone has to cook it all up for him to chip it in. It is OK if you are the defender or the midfielder.
Pray for her, hold her down with good counsel. Serve as a check on her when she is on a fast lane and she needs someone to help her slow down. Make her feel good about herself if that is what she needs to bring in the next million. Be the man she needs when she need a male perspective. Be the fine boy she wants to flaunt, the father of her children; the one to raise good nurtured children. Be everything she is looking for in a man, that is in your capacity as a man to provide and allow her to strike. You cannot act like a striker because you feel it is wrong for an woman to be a striker when we all know you are better at defense.
I know you are looking for a woman you want, but she is also looking for a man she wants. Just as you don't want to settle for a woman who does not meet your needs, so she also doesn't want to settle for a man who does not meet her needs. But between you two, who needs who the most? She can be all that she wants by herself. But well you are the one who may need a hand or two to help you get up there. Ironically, most of us men, have well connected women as side chics and friends, and from time to time, run to them for an introduction to a big man or a big place. Why not marry her and get the full license to the App la!
A successful woman is never a problem. No. We are all not called to be financially successful. Some people are good bulldozing the ruins, others are good clearing the debris. Both are needed to build the new city. If the bulldozer has expressed an interest in working with you, as much as you wish you could be the one tearing through the ruins, be happy that you are even part of something bigger. Ultimately, people may not look at things the way you are looking at. Most people will not be interest in knowing who did what. People look at structure, others look at Decor, but both are part of the same building. Be happy wherever you are working, you all add up to the bliss in the end.
As a man, find where you are most endowed and leverage it in a relationship. Do not make the mistake of getting into a financial trench war with a woman, you may lose both the war and the woman. It is a new dispensation; women have gone to school to be great, get off the high horse and take the lens of culture off and get the best of the situation. If you will, in the future, give your girl child the best in life, then why are you doing it if in the end another man will come and tell her to erase all that you made her to be, just so she can be good enough for him?