Spicing Up Your Sex Life - The Path Less Traveled
Often times I get people ask me the very basic but existential question, "PG, how do I spice up my sexual life?" I believe in the world of counseling and relationship coaching, I would not be the first to have been asked this question.
There are quite a number of materials out there to help people spice it up. The question is are all these materials helpful? It is not for me to say. One fact remains, however, that if you do not tackle it holistically, you risk achieving nothing.
While most people reduce the solutions to the physical tangible activities one can engage in to bring light and spice to their bedroom experience, I have come to the conclusion that, a lot more of the actions must revolve around the intangibles. I believe that sex, in most part, is enjoyable when it takes place in the right atmosphere and context.
In this article, I will attempt throwing light on a few of these intangibles (and some tanglibles), and see how they directly impact a couple's sexual life. If you feel it is worth giving it a deeper thought, you can book for a session, with your partner of course, by clicking here so we get into the nitty gritty.
I will start by saying that to a great extent, the nature and quality of sex between a couple is a reflection of the relationship that exists between them. This holds true for many couples. A couple that have a healthy sexual life, to a good extent, also have a healthy interpersonal relationship. If you have a healthy relationship with your partner, it makes it easier to communicate your sexual desires, preferences, hopes and fears, without fear of judgment, embarrassment or rejection.
From deep love making to kinky lunchtime rendezvous in the hotel two blocks away from your office, everything comes down to your relationship with your partner and how you communicate it, barring any other exogenous factors that may hinder this relationship.
Sex is a key component of every thriving marriage. But it is also a byproduct of other things in the marriage. While *sex for procreation* is mandatory in every marriage where childbearing is expected, sex for companionship and recreation is byproduct of the quality of interpersonal relationship that exist between a couple. You can lie down and get it over with if it is a child you want. But if you want to bond, dig deep into each other, and express your love and absolute desire for each other, you may need more than removing your clothes and getting it over with; you would need a healthy interpersonal relationship with your spouse.
If there is no sense of US in the marriage, it most likely would lead to a weak bond, which invariably translates into a low degree of companionship. In any healthy and thriving marriage, this sense of us on the intimate level (there are other levels where the sense of US is also expressed) is expressed solely through a healthy regular sexual relationship.
In most cases, where the relationship between a couple is poor, sex is seen as a chore and an obligation rather than a form of recreation and an expression of companionship. Even where it is seen as a recreation, despite the poor relationship, you notice that only one person benefits. In cases where both parties benefit, despite the poor relationship, you notice that both parties naturally have a high sex drive, and a stronger moral restraint, which makes them want to have sex (through the legitimate avenue), even if they are having challenges.
So to spice up your sexual life with your spouse, your primary focus should be on building and maintaining a solid and healthy relationship with them. This goes far beyond any temporary fix and adhoc measures we can put in place.
Let's look at a few things we can do to spice it up in and outside of the bedroom.
Knowledge Is Power.
Without knowledge, you will consistently get it wrong, your partner won't be satisfied and your over all sexual life will be meh. How well do you know your partner? Have you acquired information by talking about sex with them or by intimately observing them? You can't give what you don't know. 'All men like it this way', so you approach your man from a place of prejudice. What if your man does not like it that way? 'All women orgasm after pounding them to pulp', so that becomes your approach to your wife. What if she she prefers another form of stimulation?
Again, if you are not knowledgeable in the rudiments of sex, how do you make it exciting? From foreplay to various sex positions, what do you know? There are healthy ways of acquiring knowledge without getting addicted to porn sites.
Man know yourself. If you don't know yourself and what turns you on, how do you communicate it to your partner? Have an intimate knowledge of yourself and you can confidently point it out to them.
See also Are men born to cheat?
The Anatomy Of Your Partner
While this word may seem painfully Biological, it comes down to the basic knowledge of your partner's body. In a way, this subsumes the above point. How well do you know your partner's body? You have heard that there is something in the breast that sends her going gaga; what else do you know? from the crown of the hair to the soles of the feet, how well have you explored her body? If you know where to touch, or a combination of places to touch simultaneously in a foreplay, you would be shocked how your sex life with wake up to a new dawn.
There is a place that turns them on, there is a place that does nothing. your knowledge in these areas will give you cues as to where to concentrate and where to be fleeting in any sexual encounter.
Healthy Sexual Relationship Is Built on Mutual Respect, Honesty And Trust
Your bedroom will light up even with the most abysmal performance, when your spouse knows you respect them, and they respect you back. Where they trust you and you trust them, it makes it easier for them to open up to you in the most intimate of ways.
No matter what you bring to the game, if they feel bitter, angry, disdain and mistrust towards you, there will always be a feeling of disconnection, which might lead to sub-optimal performance. If your partner feel insecure, is dealing with unresolved conflicts, have doubts or is anxious about things that point to you, it plays on their minds no matter how intimate the moments is, blocking their ultimate quest to be in the NOW moment. Build a relationship based on trust, respect and honesty and your sexual life will take a flight.
You want your man to do all you have heard from friends or seen in the movies, but you also have a Bushy valley, and a not so pleasant smelling stream. If she has to turn her head aside and hope she can cover her face with a pillow when you are on top, you know we have a hygiene problem. And the more severe it is, the more it becomes a disincentive. If the only thing your partner can do in the bedroom is to hold their breath, pray this thing gets done quickly, because every other place for foreplay is not so hygienic, and you don't want to help yourself, then know that no amount of spices will spice it up.
Listen To What Your Partner Is Saying... Or Is Not Saying.
Making love is a complete act that involves both verbal and non-verbal communication. It moves from direct verbal communication to indirect non-verbal communication. It involves all the senses: touch, taste, smell, sight and hearing.... There are things your partner will tell you directly; Put it in here, don't climax yet. There are things they will tell you indirectly, eg by not responding to your touching of specific places. If a taste of a place is good, they may want more of it; if it is bad, you notice they don't go back. From the silence to the deep loud moans, they are telling you what to do more, or less. From their shifting in bed, to bringing your hands to specific places, they are giving you directions. Tag along.
Sometimes, they actually speak; from proper comprehensible language to dark dirty mumble jumble, there is a thing or two they are communicating. listen and that may be all the spice you need.
Try Something New
Try it in the kitchen. Try it with the Lights on. Try it in the day time. Try it in the shower. Try it in the car, just make sure Ghana police don't arrest you. But try something new. Styles are never short in the market; try a new style. Come out of your comfort zone, and push the boundaries so long as you and your partner are comfortable with it.
There are boundaries your partner would not want to cross either because they feel it is beneath them or inappropriate for whatever moral or religious reason. Talk to them about it, put yourself in their shoes and find a place of equilibrium. If you are the partner who is hell bent on saying no, remember it is not only about you; it is a shared experience. If you need to bring in a competent and qualified help, do. But do not take an entrenched position of demanding or denying without a conversation.
Trying something new can also move into an entirely new dimension - toys, oils, fragrances and aromas, lighting systems, decor, bed setup, sound systems, apparels etc. Experiment with sweets like chocolate, whip cream, honey and all. Play around and make it pop!
But be gentle in your introduction of new ideas. Don't force new ideas on your partner. Many people have had the most shocking responses from their partners for wanting to spice it up with a new something. The HOW of the introduction matters a lot in this endeavor. If you don't approach it well, it might be construed to be something else.
I normally would prefer you introduce new ideas before the bedroom. If it is a conversation you had with friends, talk about it with your partner; if you read it, show the literature to them. If it is an audiovisual material you watched, share it. Make sure you have tested the waters to gauge their reaction, before you proceed to do it in the real act.
you might want to surprise them; that can be tricky. Your partner may end up pleasantly surprised or you, rudely shocked. You know them best, introduce the idea in a way that would not backfire.
Sex Starts In The Mind, And In The Morning.
You don't wait till she is in bed, and then jump at her; she might just not be in the mood. From the moment you both wake up, and through the day, you keep playing on each other's mind. This is particularly true for busy couples whose minds are almost always occupied with a million and one things.
From cute comments about their looks, texts during working hours, to avoiding needless arguments, you are setting the tone for what is to come when you are both home. Then when you come home, how you, as a man, support her handle the evening chores will help. Your support means that half of the burden is taken off her, that invariably leads to excess energy and time at hand for another relaxing but strenuous activity, like sex.
Sex Is As Great As The Ambiance
The ambiance at home and around each other matters a lot. I don't mean only the physical ambiance, but the emotional and psychological as well. A tension-free home is a great place for letting go and have a mind-blowing sex. A drama-free home is a home for dramatic sex. Let your home be warm, free, cozy, healthy in how it is set up, clean and airy and you would be surprise what it will do to your libido. Remove the stress at home and blow your mind.
A healthy and fit body is golden! From stamina, to your libido levels, you will be in top flight. The kind of things you eat affect your breath even if your oral hygiene game is top notch. You can bath three times a day and still smell if you are not consuming the right things From the quality of erection to quality of your body fluids as a woman, If you don't have a proper interest in your health outlook it will ultimately impact on your sexual life.
Location location location
Are you not tired of doing it at home all the time? Take a trip from time to time. Go alone; the children won't die with whoever you live them with. It is not only funerals you have to travel for. You should also delight in traveling to have sex for shegey reasons. Have the whole place to yourselves and scream your heads out. Are you not tired of moaning as if you are stealing it? Ten years of marriage and you can't scream like the boss...IN A MAN'S OWN HOUSE?
Locations have a way of changing the quality of sex in a very dramatic way. From an out-of-city-get-away to an expensive inner city hotel, save money for that.
Sex Shouldn't Be Boring And Regimented
Be spontaneous. Have your three course love making sessions and your kinky on the kitchen counter sessions. You came to the kitchen to drink water, but you saw her looking all sweaty hot and devourable. What to do? Lock the door and make it count in 1, 2, 3, orgasm!!!! Walk out sweating like you just drank a bucket of boiling hot water. Seen?
Know How To Negotiate
There are times your partner will be totally knackered and sex is really not on their menu. You don't sulk and lament as if you are going into captivity; learn to negotiate. You might not get to penetrate, or get penetrated, but you might get something in exchange. You might get nothing at all at that moment, but you might get a bigger deal - a trip outside the city for the weekend, in exchange for a sex-free week. You might even end up getting it there and then. Just learn to negotiate. You don't threaten, fight or cry each time you get turned down. People don't live for just sex, and you need to understand that.
Free Your Mind From Socio-cultural Limits
This is what you need to do to have a blast. Sometimes what you are willing to do or not do, is a product of your upbringing, your interactions with the world around you and the experiences you have gleaned in the process. You or your spouse may not be wrong in wanting something or not wanting it; just know where you are coming from and how that influence your interests and aversions.
However, for this marriage to work, you should be willing to unlearn some of these old things, and learn new things so you can embrace a future with your partner that has a confluence. Some of us would have amazing sexual experiences, only if we let go of our fears, mental inhibitions and cultural barriers, and embraced new things our partners are bringing to the game.
All of these will come to nothing if we are unable to communicate with our partners. Let's talk before, during and after sex. Let us find the right means and ways of sharing our hopes, expectations, fears and dislikes. Let us learn to take feedback as well. If your partner is unable or unwilling to communicate about their sexual impressions, then you may need to also look at how you receive such conversation. If asking for a different position will land them in an interrogation cell, they would quietly take what you give them and simply endure. Be receptive.
These are a few of the various things we can do to spice up sexual lives. You would notice that there is little we can do with toys and oils and the lot. They are just a small portion of of the entire process. A lot more goes into what we do as individuals in our marriage; and that borders on the area of how we relate with our spouses. Let's get that right and we will be on our way to great great sexual life
Let me say that, no two sex lives are the same. So while you expect to see a blissful life in your bedroom, be sure not to attempt to clone that of someone else's. We are different, so you and your spouse should look for what works for you and perfect it.
If you have tried all or most of these and nothing is working, then it is time you sought professional help. Book a session with me on this, by kindly clicking here