A Letter To The Newly Married Man
This is me again. Always with your interest at heart huh? Yes, that is what senior brothers are for. It is only fair, I think, that those of us who have walked the path you are yet to follow furnish you with a few tips on the landmarks, stepping stones and possible stumbling blocks you are likely to encounter on your way, so you guard and guide your ways on this path that can, at times, be painfully lonesome and confusing.
Congratulations on your wedding, although I sensed panic and foreboding in your body language. Aye, it is a normal feeling, one that you need to harness and contain before it leads to manifested panic, jittery and ultimately making you drop everything in your hands, including your marriage. I pray and hope that body language would not be captured in your pictures. Wedding pictures are everything; they are eternal to the memory of that moment in time when you committed to another woman for eternity.
I noticed that you are the first in your pack to get married. How honouring. I also noticed that there is a good rapport between you, your boys and your wife. That is beautiful, although I must quench your fire a little bit on the future outlook of this friendship. I know this thought is controversial and we have had an argument over it a few times, but listen to me, even if for nothing at all, as someone who counsels people for wages. Your boys can no longer have access to you the way they do now. The new catch phrase, is, 'lemme get back to you.' That is another way of saying let me ask madam first. Your boys can no longer be your advisers like they do now. Your boys can no longer hang out with your wife in your absence like it is all ok, especially now that they do not have wives of their own. They will collect their share, wipe their mouth, and be shouting, 'our wife our wife,' like it is a joke. Ma w'enyiwa nda hɔ. Secure your marriage.
You are in a different realm now. Keep your friends, but just as a pharmacist cannot advise a surgeon on how to go about a delicate surgery, though both can claim to be in the medical space, so your boys cannot use their relationships, opinions and I-feel and I-think to advise you on real experiential issues. Please, don't start with the Catholic priests and counseling. Just don't. They are trained, as part of their pastoral duties, to offer that service. Besides, they have counsellors, who are married in their parishes who carry out some areas of counselling that a priest is not equipped to carry out. Dating a girl for ten years does not make one an expert in marriage any more than living in a garage makes you a car. Marriage is spiritually, psychologically and emotionally different.
Let me not bedevil this matter; if you want your marriage to thrive, do not neglect sound counsel, the company of those whose marriages are thriving, and the ability to hear bedroom horror stories and intuitively tell yourself that it is just a fraction of the population with that kind of horror stories. Not all marriages are on fire as some may want us to believe. Yes, no two humans may make a perfect couple, but then some degrees of imperfection are tolerable than others. If you have to choose, do not throw your hands in the air in desperation and say all marriages have faults so you will cast your lot with the worse kind.
Some marriages may not be perfect but they have good lessons to share. You find in these homes the constant strive to make it work, you find in these people the joy of falling and rising. These align yourself with. But those who give up and follow after their vengeful, bitter and selfish ways avoid, otherwise they will take your heart and humanity away, and you will wake up with a mind so twisted that the woman you once loved will be a devil to you. Perception is everything, watch those who are shaping yours.
Your wife is someone's sister; she is someone's daughter and someone's friend. I would advise that you treat her as you would want yours to be treated. You saw your mother abused in diverse ways by your father (which explains the tensed relationship between you two) you swore never to be like him. But you see, swearing is a day's event, consciously reminding yourself of that promise is a daily event. Many have become like the monsters they loathed and swore never to be like. The mind is a funny thing. It is not what you say in a fit of emotion that plays out; it is what you subject it to over a period of time that registers and plays out. What you have seen is what your father has been, and it is easier promising not to be like him than it is to actually live a contrary life.
Be intentional in the keeping of this promise, and every time you are tempted to abuse, manipulate or dishonour her, remind yourself if that promise. I admit sometimes, our weaknesses may take over and we may act before we slam the brakes; it is ok, it is human to err. What you do thereafter determines who you really are. Will you sulk, allow your ego to stop you from apologising honestly, and seeking lasting ways of ensuring this does not happen again? Therein lies your true grit.
Your wife stands at your side as a helpmate and not at your feet as a servant. Treat her as you would want another man treat your sister. Treat her as a right-thinking member of the society would treat her. Will a right thinking individual tell a pregnant woman whose pregnancy sickness is easily triggered by any scent she picks up, to cook knowing it is a recipe for vomiting, and then turn around and refuse to eat the meal because she threw up while cooking? Will a right-thinking individual, ask a heavily pregnant woman to scrub the slippery bathroom, carry loads, any load, and walk to the bus station to look for a car to go to work, when you have a car (with your excuse being that you are going to different parts of the city)? Will a right-thinking individual, beat and forcibly have sex with a woman who, because of hormonal changes due to pregnancy, not feel anything for such intimacy? Will a right-thinking individual, stay on the phone past bedtime, chatting with other women, while your wife lies next to you?
She stands at your side as a helpmate, a better half, not one of the many pieces that make the collage of your life. And I link this to what I mentioned earlier; women. I admit you are a fine boy, and with your clear bathroom mirror and the plethora of girls giving you accolades, even for no dues paid, you are self-aware of your fine features. But the strength of a man, and one that is married, is not how he can bed many girls, but rather how he can bed the same girl in many ways. If you have any loose ends and lingering side gigs, please tie them now. You may not respect yourself, but respect the woman in your life and her right to dignity and dignified impression of herself. Be strong and definitely put an end to inboxing little girls and asking to get some.
It is a new life you two are starting; start it well. Leave your parents spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, socially and financially. Now you are the head of this family; lead it well. Stop running to mama when you can't find your sock, mama when you can't get your way, mama when the sex was bad, mama when your own fart is too strong for comfort. Stop the mama nonsense.
She is your new mama, your wife I mean. You will eat her food, take her opinion, and enjoy her company. I am sorry if you don't find any of these up to scratch, compared to what mama would have given, well that is your loss; you should have considered all that before marrying her. Now, that the knot is tied, I am sorry, you cannot be here and there. Leave and cleave, son. I have attached a copy of my book, 'Of Spiders And Silkworms' to this letter, click here to read it. It is a useful resource.
You and your wife will suddenly see marked differences as you live together. Your pretence and facade will cave in. Who you really are will come out in no time; it is perfectly alright. You cannot be a cooper chain for life, but it is ok, it called the discovery stage. Bear with each other and hold each other up. Support and comfort each other. We are all different and how we see the world influences how we interact with it and behave in it. How we do all that, is a product of our upbringing.
Remember, you cannot give what you do not have, so if you are expecting your wife to be to you a lady of your mind's eye, remember she may fail you because she cannot give you that lady if she was not raised to be that lady. And she should understand the same for you. However, if what you seek is good and noble, entreat her and work with her till she finally metamorphoses into your kind of woman. Humans do not revolve, we evolve and it a process that can be long, painstaking and fraught with discouraging obstacles, but you will be fine if you are a patient man. Click here and talk to me if you want further help on how to go about this period of adjustment.
I have talked about your mother, but let me extend it to include your entire family. Let them know their place. You could be their provider and I totally understand the existential struggle as they face the haunting reality that you may cut your funds to them. You may also be connected to them, not in a parasitic way, but in a way of a long-standing family bond where the bond of blood is always uplifted above every other bond. Remember, nonetheless, you are now married, your kin is your wife.
Keep your sisters and brothers where they belong. You married her, they did not. They are not an extension of your Husbandhood. Your bedroom and the matrimonial bed are off limit to them. When they visit, they are rightly visitors. It is your wife who determines where they go and where they do not go, again as a right thinking woman will do. I believe she will treat them as she would want her own kindred treated when they show up.
Whenever there is a conflict between your kindred and your wife, know whose side to stand. Your legal, spiritual and emotional bond it is to your spouse; uphold it. You may not agree with your spouse on her position regarding an issue; deal with it in private and in a dignified way. Give your people a single opportunity to overstep their boundaries in such a conflict and you would have opened a new dimension of a relationship you may never be able to shut again.
I don’t think your wife hates your people; if she did you would not have married her. if after marriage, you find a growing sense of hostility and acrimony between them, talk to your wife and get to the bottom of it. Sometimes, we pretend it is all strange; we did not see it coming. Please, most often the signs were there; the visits she kept postponing, the conversation she kept changing anytime it was about your family and how she was often missing whenever your family members showed up. Those were all red flags you should have looked at. But if you are insisting she has totally changed, doing the very opposite of what she used to do, then congratulations, my brother, you succeeded in marrying the devil. Kindly take a seat, na this journey be for life. She is your better half still la! If you need help in dealing with your in-laws, click here to get a copy of my book, 'Of Spiders And Silkworms' or click here to talk to me
I want to believe you two are marrying as virgins, and it is a good thing. Take your time and explore each other. There is no such thing as good or bad sex except what you allow your mind to define and believe. Take your time to know each other’s preferences and tastes. Build a holistic knowledge about yourselves. Each intimate moment should be a learning experience. Talk and engage each other while at it. Is it good? Do you like it this way? Should I thrust harder? Would you prefer this position? Does this feel good? Talk about it and take feedback.
Do not play macho with this. If she gives you feedback that does not fit into your stereotype, my brother, that is a good feedback, take it like a man and work on it. If she wants you to go longer, stronger, harder and faster, that is a direct command, obey! Most women in these parts are not sexually expressive, so if yours goes out of her way to give you a critical feedback, do not resist it, or ask questions that come out to judge her; you might shut her up forever. Most men who committed this mistake have regretted, living with women who do not fully cooperate with them during sex.
When it comes to a woman, listen to the unspoken; the places she responds to the most as you touch her, and build on it. Read her body language, be in sync with her facial expression and be buried in each other. In a situation where you two are coming from a place of naivety, whatever knowledge you build becomes authentic to you without a basis for comparison.
If you are also marrying as experienced people, remember there will be some imbalances. Your various experiences will come into play and you must learn to handle your differences well. It is not her fault you have all these carnal knowledge of women. It is not her fault that she is not as exposed as you are. You will do well to respect her and not compare her to any of the women you have tasted. She will not twerk like that whore from your college days who did all your roommates. Yes, her. Such a character. I wonder where you got her from. You will not expect her to ride and moan and climax, like one of those run-around girls, making noise and screaming like a prehistoric beast in labour. If you wanted a Certified Twerk Queen, you should have got yourself one for a wife.
Your wife is unique in her own way, exciting on her own terms. She is her own madam; you do not have any right to make her a victim of your sexual exploits. There is John, whose distin is bigger than cassava, and has a lot more stamina; but of course, she had not hurt your feelings with that. She has quietly endured your okro and your 56 seconds performance. That is respect; that is accepting the package as it is. But if you want to start this comparative analysis, I am sorry bruh, you may be shocked beyond recovery. Handle these sensitive issues with care and utmost wisdom. I beg you.
If you want her to ride harder, say it nicely. If you want her to moan louder, communicate it. Whatever you want her to do, communicate it…nicely. But I hope none of your expectations will be Porn-induced, because that business is a nasty business of cut and paste to create an unrealistic sexual experience. Do not turn your bedroom into a Porn Hub, rather build your intimate lives on sound knowledge and self-discovery, a day at a time, a lovemaking moment at a time.
Let me sound a word of caution to you, my dear friend. The world has become dark and strange, so whenever you go out and learn a thing or two that is supposed to spice up your life of romance, discuss it before you implement it. If she is not comfortable with it, do not impose it. It is a bed for two; if she does not feel comfortable with certain acts, do not cast her out of the bed. Be sure she does not feel humiliated, or less of a woman because of an act you want her to perform. If her upbringing and belief system holds that certain parts of the body are for specific purposes, excluding sexual gratification, respect it. You may choose to corrupt your body as you see fit, but the least you can do for her is to respect her wishes of keeping herself pure, in the confines of what she finds as acceptable intimacy.
Always remember, sex starts in the morning and works till the evening. Actual physical intimacy is the icing on the cake. The real deal is how you warm her up throughout the day. The naughty chats, the flirting, the sweet nothings and the acts of kindness and support when you both go home in the evening. Finally, when you both sneak under the sheet, you realise everything is set for that grand performance. Perfect the art of foreplay and work on her till she can't handle it again. Na touch and come diɛ Ewuradze koraa mpɛ.
On spirituality, if you two are of that inclination, strengthen it. Find God for yourselves and wait on Him. Learn to pray and study the word of God together. When an issue becomes a subject of prayer, it must cease to be a subject of public discussion. You are the head of your family. Your headship goes beyond a social ascription to a spiritual one. Lead your family after God’s precepts.
On childbirth, know this; not all women will give birth. Not all will get pregnant right after they marry. Many will suffer miscarriages. A lot of things happen in pursuits of children. Always remember my brother, they are gifts from God. Until He finds you worthy of them, do not put pressure on your wife to give you some, and forbid any friend or family member from exerting such pressure on her regarding same.
Keep her away from prying eyes and unrestrained tongues. Be quick to answer, in her defence such queries. Sometimes, the pressure on her can actually push back the possibility of conception. So always, my dear brother, create a calm and an enabling environment wherever she finds herself. Make love in bliss, not in anxiety. Enjoy this period without children, plan your life well, build wealth and self-develop. Taking care of children has its own stress and dynamics. When God finds you ready, He will bless you with that gift. They are His gifts and He gives them out to those with rooms ready in their lives for them.
Finally, let me touch briefly on money and family finance. There is no hard and fast rule about it. Both of you work, so you two need to sit down and agree on how you want to finance your diverse family activities, from who buys the Tooth Paste to how you are going to build your next Shopping Mall. It is for you two to chart your own financial path. Only ensure that whatever you two decide on is borne out of good faith, devoid of any malice and of just and fair consideration.
Enjoy the wife of your youth and let her breast continually satisfy there, but for the whorish woman, stay away from.
Have a lovely weekend my dearest friend. Click here if you need to reach out so we gist a lot more. Being an awesome husband is not something we attain overnight; I don’t even think I have attained it yet, but I desire to give you a bit of the little I have. Receive it with a good heart.