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A Loving Heart

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Healthy Communication

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Truth &Honesty

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Listening Ear

5 Indisputable Reasons Why You Need To Know About Their Past Relationships Before You Date Them

“Everyone has a past, and once they move on, you wouldn’t want to disturb them with what happened in their past. When they choose to bury their pasts and start a new life, you respect that decision and move on with them. Love me love my dog; whatever they bring to the table, if there is love and it looks good to me, it is good enough.”

You have been telling yourself this and jumping from one person to the other, all ending in serious heartbreaks. Are you still sure you don’t want to know how the people you date became single, or why they are single?

Let me walk you through these reasons why you should be interested in their previous relationships, and if you are still not convinced, then by all means, be happy not knowing, and may the odds be in your favour.

  • Conversations about the past gives a clue as to whether you will last in the relationship or not. Most often, after a break up, each party goes away selling a story that makes them look like the victim and not the aggressor; the person who was done wrong. A thorough revisiting of the events that led to the breakups (of preferably the last three relationships) can reveal a pattern that may tell you something about the person you are about to date. That can help you weigh your options and decide if it is not all too obvious that this particular pattern will repeat itself.

E.g. when you get to find out that all their past relationships failed because of friends or family demands or perception about specific gender, you then realize that until they change, these patterns will repeat themselves and you will end up suffering like those before you.

  • Conversation about the past may help judge the person beyond what they are trying to portray. Most often, we fall for the icing on the cake. The décor is what attracts us until we commit and we realize the cake does not taste as sweet as it looks. So beyond the caring, romantic and rich façade, what could be amiss? Talk about their last three relationships and how they ended, you will find skeletons. As for me, a woman does not talk to me like that. As a woman, you need to know your place. Whenever I speak, she challenges me. Ahaa! See? That is why he can’t keep a woman! But how would you know when he is always bringing you chocolate? No man can tell me which man to hang with and which man not to hang with. I am a grown woman, I choose whose gift I receive and whose gifts I don’t. You can’t tell me what to do with my time, my girls and my family. Ahaa! So all the guys come and they leave. But how would you have known all that beyond the stimulating conversations and sweet façade of a personality? Bring it up!

  • Past Relationships reveal the personalities of those they date; that can help you define your own place in the relationship. Some people are generally not ‘evil.’ They live in their own world; uptight, regimented and uncompromising. They have broken up three relationships because the people they dated were bubbly, random and unpredictable. These traits don’t lend themselves easily to control and regulation. So ultimately, they had to let them go, because they felt their lives were not stable and well planned. Every time a conflict arose, it was mostly because things were done outside of an agreed routine, rather than the action itself being wrong. They can’t take it when people mess their flow. Guess what, you are just like all the ladies he has dated; bubbly, carefree, easy going and spontaneous! So? So, you will also be dumped like those before you. You are exactly what he does not like… And that only comes up when you get to know the rise and the fall of all his Ex Baes!

  • It also gives you an Insight into what will happen to your name and image when there is a break up. Some people can be unforgiving and bitter about breakups no matter whose fault it was. These people can go to great extents to vilify their exes, and if they are in places of power, frustrates their very lives. When speaking about their exes, the kind of language they use, can be very disappointing, yet revealing. You would not know about their pain and bitterness from their pasts until the past becomes a subject. That is when a part of their lives, beautifully tucked away, is exposed. That can inform you about the depth of pain, anger and unforgiveness bottled up in them, and how dangerous it can be for you when your relationship with them also ends.

  • Well, it is all not doom and gloom! Some revelations from the past can actually help you succeed in the current relationship. While people talk about their pasts, the honest ones will tell you about their fetishes, Rituals, taboos, must-do and must-not-do. They will tell you about their weaknesses and strengths. Well, I guess you will armed yourself with the knowledge you have now to relate with the person in a good way. You now know what they hate; what it was that costs someone before you their place. If you are wise, you will not do those things. You simply use the information available to you to your advantage! Oh, and when you get to know the pain they have gone through, a loving person will not repeat them, but find loving ways to love them better and help them help. See? It is good to talk about it, don’t you think?

I bet your mind is now changed. Go and have that conversation with the person in your life. It is important. If they get defensive and angry, then I can tell you, in most of the time, it is not the pain and the trauma of the past that is influencing their behavior, it is actually what they do not want you to know. But let me throw in a speck of caution, some people are genuinely hurt about their past to the extent that they feel it is best not to talk about it. The truth, however, is that until they talk about it and face it, they would never be completely healed from its wounds and scars.

Again, if someone opens up to you, brace yourself to handle whatever they would tell you, and handle it in a mature way. For some, it is a matter of life and death, so handling it immaturely can cause some irreparable damage to them and their trust for those who will come after you. How you handle someone's secret will determine if they will ever open up to you again. Do not use it against them. Even when it is more than you can handle and you will want out, handle it well as you would want it done to you.

If they bring in a baggage you did not budget for, but you really love them so you want to help, talk to a counselor to help them deal with their baggage; after all, a good him or her, is a happy you.

I wish you all the best.

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