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3 cups

A Loving Heart

3 cups

Healthy Communication

2 tsp.


1 cup


2 tsp.


2 tbsp.

Truth &Honesty

1½ cups

Listening Ear

Does A Relationship Which Starts On Cheating Ends Up With Trust Issues?

Shadow Lovers

Relationships start under various circumstances. How a relationship starts may give you an indication as to what the parties involved are likely to do in the future. Though this is not cast in stone, there is a general correlation between how a relationship starts and values promoted by the parties involved, and how the relationship eventually evolves.

In my experience counseling singles and young couples, I have picked a general trend in which couples who started dating while both (or one of them) were in other relationships, at the time of dating, having trust issues. In most cases, you find the men suspicious of the women they are dating; the same women they had sexual relationships with while they were with other men before they finally started dating them. I have also experience quite a number of ladies who have also displayed paranoia and extreme jealousy when their men are seen with other women, women who seem to be consistently around the men.

At the time of getting involved with another person, outside of one's legitimate relationship [Which is the same as cheating], beyond all logic and reason, most people may conclude it is the right thing to do. From being in a relationship and feeling less loved, cared for, scared, to falling for someone else, people do these things and find reasons to legitimize their actions. However, they soon realise that it is no more a one off thing again; it won't just go away, no matter how much you shush it away. They soon realise that the aarrgghhh-God-I-can't-think-of-anything-but-what-happened-last-time experience becomes all too real for them. So they bury their heads in the sand and let go of all fears so they can go for more. Soon, one of them (or both of them) is drawn more into this new found companionship, no matter how illegitimate it is (and the heap of guilt it brings), and out of what they already have.

In the rush of the moment, like the blood that runs from the head to your lower parts, creating all those deceptive feelings, they grab caution by the neck and yank it off the cliff into the bottomlessness below. They shout on top of their swollen lungs, 'Enough! Let's get this thing official!' So they change buses, start a new relationship, drive a while till the thrill and the 'high' subsides.

It is at this point, when the thrill has subsided and the high ebbed, that reality stares them hard in the face with all the fiendish gaze it can summon. Is he or she faithful? Would he or she sleep with someone else and sell them the same lies they sold their previous partner when they were cheating on them? All the tricks they conjured so you two could meet up and have fun; could they be used on you? That is when you start looking over your shoulders when you hear your partner whisper. That is when a call being received outside because where you are is noisy, leads to unnecessary interrogations.

Your relationship would have reached that point of mistrust and suspicion when you call them three times and they do not pick up, but quickly call you back with a reason, and you realise you can't trust the reason even when you can't prove anything. You realise without any provocation, you are angry and feeling flammable, and it is all because they did not answer your call. Another evidence of mistrust is when a demand for password or unwillingness to give it out generate a fight the intensity of a mortal combat, and thereafter relapse into a sustained bout of cold war.

The natural consequence to these events is the feeling of helplessness, frustration and intensified policing and snooping. Whether, the concerned party is right or just paranoid, they begin to feel angry and frustrated that they could be the victim this time around. they begin to suspect everyone around their partner, and by that suspicion, start acting weird and cold [or hostile, depending on their personality and appetite for conflict] towards them.

It does not stop there. There are many outcomes on this road. For some, they outgrow their insecurities when their mature partners help them to appreciate the fact that, they may have cheated on their previous partners to be with them, but they are not natural cheats and they can trust them to be faithful to them. Others, in order to save their hearts, walk out so they can start a new relationship on a clean slate. These could be those who were mistrusted or those who couldn't trust. Ultimately, they realise they need a relationship where trust is not difficult to attain. Then there are those who live with their insecurities hoping they would go away, until something else leads to the death of that relationship.

The final most likely outcome, is for one person to cheat; usually the one who does suspects their partner. It is weird to think of this line of action, especially when that is exactly what they fear could be happening to them. But that is exactly why they do it. They fear their partners could be cheating on them, based on their previous history, so they go ahead to cheat as well. call it taking preemptive steps. Generally, these relationship do not last compared to other relationships that start under different circumstances.

You do not want to start on that road. Those who cheat with you will most likely cheat on you. A just and faithful person will tell you to leave your partner and come for them if you claim to love them that much. If you are that just person, you would first end your current relationship with your partner before you go for someone else. That puts you in a better image and gives weight to your trust bank.

When they insist that you guys start something while they gradually end what is currently running, tell them that brand is finished, they should come tomorrow because this brand right here [you] is into men or women who are completely disentangled from all sexual relationships.

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