I have been dating this guy since we met in our final year in the university. I promised myself to keep myself till I marry. So I am 27 years and very much intact. We have been together for 4 years. The thing is, he likes women. Everything in skirt goes. From his colleagues at work to National Service girls to canteen girls. Each time I catch him, he begs, buys me gifts and I stay. Then the strategy changed. First he saved women’s numbers in men’s names. Now he has one Pastor Joe and all the girls are saved under Pastor Joe. How he tells them apart only he knows. Whenever I TRY walking out, he uses my not sleeping with him as a justification for going out. That makes me feel guilty and I stay. This same person is hounding me to marry him. He promises he will change when we marry, I don’t trust that. But starting a new relationship is something I am scared of. Please, what do you advise?
Dear Nana Yaa,
It is unfortunate you are in this situation. I guess we do not need a qualitative and colorful discussion on this. Just the hard bare facts.
Firstly, Womanizing and Promiscuity is not a switch on the wall that is turned on and off. People don’t stop after saying, "I Do." I can assure you, it won’t stop after marriage. It is a habit that has been formed, and must be dealt with in a proper way. Just being married won’t fix it.
Don’t fall for the, ‘I do it because you don’t give it to me' lie. If that was the reason, he would have had a side chick or two, at most, for that purpose. What you are describing is a raving addict. Do not fall for the guilt trap. If you give it to him now, he will still go out there to top up. That even puts you into a health danger. If everything in skirt is entered, then it is a matter of time before he comes home with an infection. You are not the cause of his problem, he is the problem.
I am super proud of you for keeping yourself. It is a personal choice, yet with deep spiritual and emotional implications. If that makes you feel good about yourself, hold tight to it. You are defined by your choices not choices others make for you. Even if no one appreciates it, appreciate yourself, and do not ever let someone use it against you, or trap you with it.
From the timelines given, I can see you completed university at the age of 24, finished your national service by 25 years and have worked, if you are working, for almost 2 years. My dear, there is a whole world ahead of you; a brave new world. Hold your head high, pick your sassy self and walk out of this toxicity with your dignity intact. Think of all the good guys out there, and there are a lot of them, if you are willing to open your eyes to what matters.
Each day you stay in this lie, for fear of starting again or hoping he will change, is a day lost to the many many great things that can happen in your love life with someone else. There is an opportunity cost to this.
I fear trust in this relationship is compromised. I mean, if there is Pastor Joe with 6 numbers belonging to six different women, I wonder if you will ever have the peace of mind to trust him when he tells you, the call that just came was truly from his mom. And with all the stress in this country, the last thing you want is for 27 year old girl to develop a HBP because of a guy you are not married to; a guy not worth your time.
Oh and you intend to give yourself to a guy with a community penis? So can you remind me of why you kept yourself? Don’t you think what is good for the geese should absolutely be good for the gander? Of course marry a virgin like yourself. You two get to start from the scratch, get to explore and know each other at your own pace. You don't want to marry a guy who will measure you by the standards of all the crazy girls he has been with and look you in the eye and tell you, you are horrible in bed! Or worse, make you do crazy stuff.
And how would you feel walking around with him in town and meeting all these women - sellers, corporate ladies and church girls he has been with; all looking at you, silently disrespecting you and feeling sorry for you? Do you know the number of hearts he has broken and the curses heaped on him? Do you want to get into such a life?
Please, now is the time to start afresh, and if you need help in walking out and detoxing so you can start afresh, let’s talk further. This relationship is a marital disaster waiting to evolve.
I wish you all the best in your new life.