I recently started dating this guy and I fear he is still not over his ex, to my dislike. My kid brother was coming from the States for a few days and lost his phone in transit. Since he was going to be in town for just 8 days I gave him my phone instead of buying a new one. This my guy gave me one of his phones. I took some pictures with it, and while going through them, I saw pictures of his ex all over the place. I confronted him, and he told me to my face, he does not believe in turning exes into enemies, so those pictures will stay and he will have a healthy relationship with the girl. They have a history, he added. Charlie, PG, I am not sure I am in for this. I am not that desperate. Last thing I want is a guy who claims cordiality with an ex, actually sleeping with her. I have seen a lot of drama to last me a lifetime. It is me or whoever. I can’t do me and whoever in the same space. My exes will give this guy a heart attack if I go on that tangent. He doesn't want to get it that we all have that one ex whose, Hi, can break your current relationship. Besides, I don’t want to get into the ex-chats business because of him. After this incidence, I decided to move on in my head, but how do I tell him to choke on it? And he took the phone away from me, Poor boy.
Petty For Peace
I am not sure whether to laugh or smile reading your mail. I can actually see myself writing this. You don’t mince your words. And I like ladies who have got it together. Charlie, ain’t nobody got time. My personal Ex Doctrine is similar to yours, Keep them in the past. But I may hurt your feelings a little and agree with the cordiality bit from your guy. You and your exes are not enemies. When you meet in town, 'hi, hi, how’s everything?' and you move on. Civil. Nothing like Ice cream mornings or coffee lunch or movie nights or midnight chats. No.
Let us look at a few things.
If your relationship with him is between a month and a year, chances are that there might be some residue from the immediate past relationship on the phone of your lover. If your lover is not the kind who is always on his phone taking pictures and looking at them, the chances of those residue staying on the phone longer is higher. He might probably forget he took this picture or that picture with the ex.
Again, a lot depends on how the relationship ended. If there were no hurt feelings, or he was the cause of the break up, you are likely to find them holding on to that past. Normally, when someone intentionally goes after pictures, chats or social media connections, then you know they are really hurt, or they really really want to move on, otherwise, those things stay untouched. It may not necessarily be because they are still stuck in their past.
Again, depending on where you saw the pictures and when those pictures showed up on the phone, you may have a hint of what is going on. Eg, if the pictures were recently sent to him or taken by him, after you two started dating, then there is a red flag here. Why are you still downloading your ex’s pictures off Facebook? If the pictures were used as DPs or Screen Savers or Wall Papers, then we have a problem. But if the last picture, by date, was before you two, then you may cut him some slack.
Regarding the deleting of the pictures, I guess it is a fair request to make. Deleting an Ex’s picture does not mean you are in a trench warfare with them. It basically means you are purging your system of them. After all, when you meet them in town, they are not going to say, here, give me your phone and let me see if you are still feasting on my hot self on your phone. No. So you can delete them. Telling your New Girlfriend you should love enough to do anything for, to burn the sea because of your ex, is not thoughtful.
Like you said, people have some exes who can cause troubles for their marriages or relationships by just smiling with them in traffic, and it is important that we do not start the whose-ex-is-who war. I am glad you don’t want to do that. Some girls easily resort to that to even things out.
If he took the phone, then that escalates everything. Sit him down quickly as a matter of urgency and have a real talk with him. Let him know your expectations on this Ex business and every other ancillary business. Make it a take or leave offer. You don’t sound desperate, which is good for negotiations. Let him understand you don’t go on that tangent. If he wants to be with you, he has to be with you completely, and he has to keep his exes where they belong - archives. If he wants to keep them, you won't begrudge him, but you are just not the girl for him. You happened to be the oil that doesn’t mix with water, so he needs to keep his focus game all time high.
I believe you have a right to peace like your name says, and if you are going to be Petty just so you can cut yourself a shard of peace, then girlfriend, I am cheering you on. Ain’t nobody got time for Drama.
But…but…don’t move out yet. Talk about it, let him know in no uncertain terms where you stand. Give him the chance to be a part of his readmission or dismissal. In the absence of the ex being an ex-wife or a baby mama, I will never advise you to share space with her. If anyone wants to do that, it is their personal choice. But you choose to be territorial, which is totally fine.
All the best in your future endeavours
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