PG, I am in a fix and I don't know what to do.
I recently stumbled on a secret that has shattered me. My wife is seeing a gynae that she has been intimate with in the past.
We started using a hospital close to my office, with her second pregnancy. I suggested it, because one of my female colleagues was using it for her antenatal. When we got there, the gynae happened to know wife and they were cool. On our way back, she was quiet, and wanted to go back to her regular hospital. I insisted we kept this one since the facilities were better and I wanted to be there when she visited. Eventually, she agreed. After the baby, the gynae become her regular gynae. You know in that area, you have a lot of men, so i know bore. I am not the type that fuss about stuff like that.
Then one day, she fell ill, some UTI and I went with her and her little sister who stays with us for her national service, to see the doctor. She was to go do some labs, so I was there alone with her sister when the doctor came to pass. The chemistry was too familiar. They exchanged pleasantries and he left. Then a lot of questions started popping up in my head but with little answers. So in order for me to act fast before my wife comes, I asked my sister in law, who the doctor was to her. She asked if I didn't know.
Apparently, he nearly married my wife, but he just up and traveled without telling her and was never able to explain it. So that was when they broke up. He wanted to come back but my wife said no. But she was hurt.
I asked my wife later that night. She confirmed it all. Apparently, that was when I came in and I was quickly taken and married. I was a rebound relationship that turned out well and led to marriage.
We have not had any issues in our marriage, but to know that someone you has been intimate with for 4 years, still has access to your body after marriage is plain wrong. How can he be professional when that same body has been accessed sensually? The painful bit was my wife keeping it a secret. You could have insisted not to go to the hospital, and kept your secret. We all have secrets. But to keep, visit the same person, and me accepting him into our lives is wrong.
I did not threaten her to use the hospital or anything. I suggested. When she said no, I further convinced her to see it through my eyes. If she felt the need to protect me and their past relationship, she should have said no. She could have even told me the first day, the guy was her ex, and I would have respected her. PG, I am an open minded person. I don't fuss over ex an stuff. But the non-disclosure and further intimate exposure, albeit, professional does not sit well with me. I fell really naked and upset.
I feel betrayed. I also feel I played a part. after the second child, my wife had suddenly become health conscious. always visiting the gynae, cervical cancer, this, that, every reason to see the gynae every month, she would come up with. But I didn't see this. She says nothing has gone on between them and she is sorry.
For me, everything has gone on. It need not be a penetration, but everything else is wrong.
What do I do?
Let us discuss the following:
Does the name have a legitimate concern?
Had the woman been unfaithful, even if there was no sexual relationship
Would you have disclosed this to your husband if you were the woman?
Would you have still used the service of the hospital if you found the only gynae available was your ex
How should this couple handle this? What should the woman do to make it right and how should the name handle his emotions
At what point in time in the marriage should we make certain disclosures?
Please join in the discussion